You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal.
You've got to be stupid to heckle me - I am very equipped to win.
When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.
The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine.
Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible.
I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated.
Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff.
I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast.
I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.
If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them.
I'm a happy person but an angry citizen.
If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?'
If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.
One of the most important things, especially when you're leaving school, is to realize you're going to be dealing with a lot of idiots. And a lot of those idiots are in charge of things, so if you're in an interview and you really want to tell the person off, don't do it.
One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger.
Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me.
I'm a Jew.
There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.
My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.
I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day.
